New Parents Survival Guide: Take a deep breath there’s a chance you’re going to survive this whole parenthood thing (months 2-4)

Congratulations! You have survived to this point. I am not sure exactly what the magic of this point is, but it seems to be a monumental milestone. I tell everyone this is every parent’s favorite time. I think it is due to a couple different things, not the least being you have reached bottom the last two months and there is no place to go but up. In all seriousness things do start to get better and more enjoyable. By the way, you get to sleep this month (YEAH!!!) The other little spark of interest (at least in the guy corner) is the OB/Gyn says you can start having sex again (although let’s face it, those of you who really wanted to have sex have already snuck some in and the rest of you are probably too tired to care yet).

Eating: We have eating down to a science now. You can set a clock by when your little person is going to want to eat. You can make a bottle or breastfeed in your sleep now so it only makes sense that they now start sleeping through the night so you don’t need to use that skill. They do not need anything besides milk to eat or drink. Still we don’t give any juice, water or baby food yet. It makes the choices of what to feed them very easy…milk or milk. People are in such a hurry to give them other things to eat and drink. Enjoy the simplicity of no choices.

Peeing: They are still peeing like banshees. When you have to get all your calories to grow in liquid form you are going to be getting more fluid than you need, which means it has to come back out as pee.

Pooping: The amount of poop coming out of them is going to vary widely from baby to baby. It can go from 4-5 dirty diapers a day to only having a dirty diaper every 5-6 days (I personally like the once a week poop). People are very obsessed about their baby’s poop…do not be. Only worry if the color of the poop is white, red or black. If you see any of these three colors you need to tell your pediatrician. If your baby is having poop coming out as hard balls, call your pediatrician. If your baby is suddenly having an increase in loose stools greater than six per day, call your pediatrician. Notice I say call your pediatrician and not your family or friends; go to the expert and get the right answer firs

Sleeping: This is the real section of this chapter you have been waiting for…the sleep action. You have been thinking about sleep for the last two months and now is when it gets to happen. What makes it happen? Well, at around two months of age a baby can store enough glycogen in their liver to get enough energy to go without eating for up to 12 hours at a time. HUH? No, you do not have to understand what glycogen is or how it works; you just can take my word for it that it starts to be stored better at this time of life. You still have a problem though. Your baby has been trained to wake up every three to four hours to eat. This means they come to a lighter stage of sleep every 3-4 hours. This is the time to move your baby out of your room and get them in their own room in a crib. They will still come to a lighter stage of sleep but there will not be anybody in the room snoring, snorting, moving or making noise to wake them up so they just drift back to sleep. People who listen to this advice will be rewarded by longer periods of deep restful sleep. People, who feel they cannot sleep without their baby being in the same room and close to them, will be rewarded by the continual closeness of waking up in the middle of the night to feed their baby. The baby does well either way…the parents do better when they are getting some sleep. The choice is yours to make, but if you choose the second option do not say I did not tell you so.

Hate: There are so many people to hate this month, but the nice thing is it usually is not your family. OK, so it might still be your family, but only if you hated them before you had the baby. Now is the time maternity and paternity leave has run out and you have to go to work. You get to hate the fact you have to leave your baby with someone else and you are going to miss some of the precious baby time. Of course if you get to stay at home with your baby you get to hate the people going to work having big people interaction. If someone else is caring for your baby you are going to hate at least some of the things they do with your baby or the way they do it. If you are working you are going to hate how inflexible work is about you taking time off to take your baby to the doctor or care for them being sick. You will hate the mailman…he brings all the bills that are starting to come in from the hospital. This leads to you hating your insurance company as you realize the coverage you thought you had was not exactly the coverage they are giving you. You will hate going to the store because you need a small truck to carry just the baby stuff home and you still do not have any groceries.

Safety: Read the last chapter and insert everything in here again. OK, we can also add a few more details to think about. They are going to be moving around more and may try to fall off of wherever you might be laying them so do not leave them anywhere they can do this. They now like to put everything in their mouth. Things going into the mouth are usually their fingers, fist, toes or entire foot, but if they happen to get anything in their hands, guess what…it is going into their mouth. A good rule of thumb is if it is small enough to pass through a toilet paper roll it is small enough for them to choke on. They have limited areas they can get to so make sure their area is safe. You are now out and about more so try to be safer when driving. Never leave your baby in a car alone or anywhere unattended.

Tricks: Well your baby is a little person now. She is a very messy, smelly, mute, illiterate person, but a person nonetheless. She can do some tricks leaving you amused for hours and will want to show all your friends. Try to refrain from using your baby as show-and-tell as it just lets the rest of the world know how sad your life really is. If you find your self having lengthy conversations with your friends about what your baby can do it is time for a night out with the big people…who do not have kids and do not want to hear about yours.

They can do a little more these days and are more entertaining. They will smile at you if you do just about anything in their direction. This should not be used as a time to refine your comedic chops because your baby loves you and will smile at anything you do, even stupid little baby voices and the goo-gooing gag-gagging thing you keep doing. Refrain from doing your best baby impersonation in public just to get your baby to smile; everyone has seen a baby smile and you do not need everyone thinking you’re crazy— the fact your clothes are covered in spit-up, you smell like poop, its been 3- 4 days since you bathed properly, and you have not done your hair or make-up since the day you went to the hospital has already convinced every- one you have lost your mind).

They can laugh. They tend to laugh with the smile, so please reread the section above and try not to go too far with this newly learned trick. Do try to take a picture of the laugh in action though because a toothless laugh on a baby is a great picture to show them what they are going to look like when they are old.

They will roll over. They do not have to roll over, but some of them will and they will pick the time when you do not want them to roll over to do it. Do not ever let go of them because they can fall off. They are just waiting for this kind of opportunity so you will never forget the first time they rolled over. It is amazing how a trip to the emergency room will for- ever be engraved in your memory.

They will say their first word. Not really, but I have many parents and grandparents who come in and swear they do. It is amazing that sometimes it is even a whole sentence like, “I love you”. Parenthood is evidently like really good drugs (I mean really BAD drugs).

They can play with stuff now. Now is when the half a million toys you have already bought can start to be played with. They probably will not like them and will be fascinated by the cheapest thing you have, but they will pick things up and give them a good shake and probably smile, make googly noises and laugh that toothless laugh at them. No, do not shake the toy in public to get them to laugh either!

Panic: There is not nearly as much stuff to panic about these two months. Sure there are illnesses babies will get depending on what time of year it is, but as far as a pediatrician is concerned you have made it through the scariest time. Most of the worst things happening this month are going to be the things you do to the baby yourself. This seems to be the time people seem to drop their baby, let them fall off of things, turn a corner while carrying them and bang their head against the wall.

Checkup: Remember all those shots from the two-month visit? Well, guess what, we get to give the same ones this time. Just like last time the most common side effects you are going to see from these vaccines are going to range from nothing to being a little fussier, a little more tired and possibly less appetite. There is a small chance they may run a little low-grade fever and it is fine to give them some infant acetaminophen every 4-6 hours for fever or fussiness. Be sure to check with your doctor’s office about the correct dose for your baby based on their weight. The good news is that if you do react to the vaccines, it is usually the first time you get them. The next time the reactions will be either the same or less.

Just like all the checkups you have done so far, your baby will be weighed and measured and have both plotted on a growth curve to make sure they are growing well. The doctor will ask you some developmental questions to make sure the baby is developing properly. Then they will look your baby over head to toe yet again. Do not forget your list of questions to ask the doctor. They will also go over all the things the baby will do between the four and six month checkup. Hopefully you will already know every- thing they tell you if I do my job right with this book and you read the next chapter before you go to your appointment.

True confessions: Here is my confession to the hurt your own baby during this time. Dalton was probably around 8-10 weeks old and had to go to the office with me one Sunday afternoon for clinic. He was sleeping peacefully in his car carrier and I was busy seeing patients. He suddenly woke up and started to cry. Now Dalton was very easy to put back to sleep or settle him down, you just had to rock him back and forth a few times. I ran out of the exam room, picked up his car carrier and gave it a few rocks. Unfortunately for Dalton his daddy had unfastened his straps so he could sleep more comfortably and I had completely forgotten I had unstrapped him as I rocked him right out of the car carrier and onto his nose and chin. His first skinned up nose and chin was due completely to me and my 2-4 month panic moment. By the way, I knew right away he was OK, but I was panicked about facing his mother and telling her how he earned his boo-boo.