New Parents Survival Guide: (months 12-15)

You would think you would have this whole parenting thing down by now, right? I mean you have done this for a year now, yet you are still fumbling through and it feels like you have not learned anything yet. Guess what? It does not get any better these next three months. They learn so many things that by the time you think you have one new skill under control they have learned two more. All I can say is take your vitamins and maybe a nerve pill or two. Fasten your seatbelt and let us discover the TERROR that is your one-year-old.

Eating:

Your baby is a human garbage disposal. They will eat anything…yes I mean anything. Guard the dog food and the cat’s litter box…they will eat everything they can touch. Milk changes when they turn a year old. We now recommend they drink breast milk or whole milk until they are two years of age. They need the fat in the whole milk for their brain and bones to con- tinue to grow properly. Many children will refuse to drink milk when you change them to whole milk and then will not go back to formula (or maybe the parents just don’t want the huge expense of formula…I can’t blame them). There are other ways to get your child’s requirements for calcium and fat. They will do fine eating yogurt, cheese and other forms of dairy. (MMMM ice cream).

We take away all the restrictions on what they can eat at one year of age. If they can swallow it, they can eat it. There used to be a school of thought that we should still stay away from shellfish and nuts, but it has been shown now not to change the incidence of allergy and is no longer recommended. The biggest thing about food is making sure it is not a choking hazard so keep the bites very small and make sure they are eating sitting down and not while they are walking around. Often choking happens as a result of them eating while walking and then choking while landing.

Make sure they get a good variety of foods. Babies at one year of age will eat almost anything, so if they are not getting a good variety of meat, vegetables and fruit it is usually because you are not giving it to them. Because they will eat anything, always have poison control’s number memorized 1-800-222-1222, as this is the time it is most likely to come in handy.

Peeing:

They still pee a lot, but you may notice it goes down a little. They are eating more of their calories instead of drinking them so they are taking in a lot less fluid. Less fluid in means less fluid out. Very few babies will start potty training during this period so just keep changing those diapers.

Pooping:

Yep, they still poop and it is gross. The more types of food they eat the more it will alter in smell, color and sheer nastiness. It is not unusual to see some problems with constipation when we switch to whole milk. This does not mean they cannot drink whole milk, it just means their body has to get used to the different protein composition in the milk versus formula. Most of their constipation can be taken care of by increasing their fruits or fruit juices, but if it persists just call your pediatrician and let them earn their money.

Sleeping:

Hopefully for your sake they are still doing lots of sleeping. This is a time when parents tend to make some painful mistakes in the area of sleeping. It is only painful to the parents and hopefully I can keep you from making them. This is when it is not dangerous to sleep with your baby, but it is painful. Neither of you will sleep as well if you are sleeping together and it is very hard to stop once you start letting them crawl in bed with you. For some reason parents want to take their baby out of their baby bed and move them to a toddler bed at one year of age. This is a very bad idea. A baby bed is a great cage for your little monkey monster and once it is gone there is nothing to keep them from roaming the house and crawling in bed with you. The American Academy of Pediatrics (and this is one area I agree with them on) recommends a baby stay in their baby bed until they are three-years-old or it becomes a hazard to them and they are trying to climb over the top of the rails.

Hate:

The list of hates gets very long at this age. This is when those grandparents start rearing their ugly heads and start trying to give you unsolicited advice about what your child should be eating, how to discipline them, and everything else about what they think you should do and how you should do it. This is when they start violating all your rules and many of their own. They love to get your little one all wound up and then send them home for you to handle.

This is when you really hate the fact you were in such a hurry for them to learn to walk, climb and run as now you realize you have to do some walking, climbing and running to keep them from killing themselves.

You get to hate everyone who has children in your circle of friends because they are always comparing their child to yours and theirs is always smarter, more athletic and better behaved than your baby. Trust me everyone who claims to have the perfect baby is probably doing it to feel better so they do not kill them for being a tiny version of Satan or more likely themselves. There are no perfect babies, except for the one who is yours.

Safety:

Remember the baby proofing stuff we talked about before? Do all that stuff and possibly beef up your security and keep the National Guard on speed dial. The one-year-old will wear you out and then revolt during one of your lulls of exhaustion, luckily at this age it is just practice and they usually just torture you for fun but the day will come… In all seriousness constantly watch them. You will only know the house is still not baby proofed by watching them find items to destroy and hurt others or themselves.

Tricks:

There will be tons of tricks they learn during this time, but most of them will be on you. They understand a lot more than you are going to give them credit for and they are going to play you like a violin. Try to remember their main goal in life is to try to kill themselves while you are watching. Some things to watch out for would be: that they learn to climb on things, but lack the better judgment not to jump off; they learn to climb stairs, but usually lack the ability to climb down; they are fascinated by water, but have no fear so watch for drowning; and they start to talk, but you will not understand much of what they are saying.

Panic:

There are many things to panic about with this age. The main ways they get hurt are falling and choking. Do not let them eat while they are walking around. If it looks like they are chewing on something you should take a look. Always watch them, because when they are quiet they are usually up to something evil. Make sure you have all medicines and poisons put away, but keep the poison control number handy.

They can run like the wind at this age. They are as sneaky as navy seals. They can hear everything, but listen to nothing. They are the most stubborn creatures you will ever meet. They are hilarious if you ever get a chance to watch them while you are putting out the fires (I hope these are not actual fires).

Checkup:

You have finally got this well check thing down. Today there are not going to be any surprises. The doctor is going to look your baby over and go over diet and development. They are going to tell you to do the things you were supposed to do the last time they saw your baby, but you have not gotten around to doing yet. They are going to tell you to get rid of the bottle and pacifier. They will tell you to make sure they are in their baby bed still…unless they are starting to crawl over the rails. They will warn you about the temper tantrums that are either here or are coming fast. There will be some shots today and depending on how your doctor schedules things, they might do a blood test checking for anemia (usually caused by low iron). Depending on where you live they may also check your baby’s blood for lead.

Kaden’s logs

October 10, 2012

It is time to give the update on things I have learned in my life.

Gravity is not just a rumor…it is real and it hurts my feelings.
The rumor that my mommy is a wimp and would never punish me is a dirty vicious lie. I wanted to live the lie but I was popped back to reality.
It is possible to get your entire fist into your mouth but when it comes back out it sometimes drags your lunch with it.
My parents have no sense of humor. I think it is insanely funny to pull out chest hair but Daddy doesn’t laugh. I also think it is funny to bite Mommy on the shoulder…but she didn’t even chuckle.
I have been on the planet for one year and 40 days. I understand everything my parents say but have they bothered to learn my language? No, not a word. They try to mimic me but they mangle the pronunciation and they have no concept of meaning or literary context.
You can leave all the hints in the world and still not get a Colt .45
I have Daddy all beat. Daddy leaves a subtle hint about wanting something to eat or drink and Mommy will give him the “do I look like a maid?” I only need to look at the fridge and bam! A container of milk arrives. I think I must have a maid and a butler. I ROCK!!!
Steak was just as good as I thought it was going to be. Now that I look back I’m not sure what I was thinking eating that cream of a green bean crap.
Ever want something done? Just set it up as a competition. This family is the most competitive group of people I know.
All lists are supposed to end with the number 10.

November 3, 2012

Today was a lazy day at our house. I took two long naps and Mommy and Daddy took one of them with me. They are so much less grumpy when they get their nap in. I think it’s time for me to give a kidding list. Not like a “ha ha” list but the kid side of parenting.

Make them wash their hands. We know where their hands have been and it’s just gross.
Make sure they get some food. Around this place they tend to get hangry (hungry and angry) without food.
Make sure they get some sleep and a nap at least once a week. Around here we call it tangry (tired and angry) when some sleep is needed.
Don’t leave them alone in the bathroom. If allowed to take a bath too long they use up all the bubbles. I’m sure they get lonely and the bath- room is just a scary place.
Mark your parents. I like to wipe my food, snot or a drop of spit-up on a shoulder. I recommend putting it just on the backside of the shoulder so it doesn’t show up in the mirror. These marks identify them as taken so other babies don’t invade your turf.
Do something cute in front of their friends. They love it when other people say you are cute.
Give the kisses and hugs out sparingly so they mean more and can be used to get you out of trouble.
Give out lots of kisses and hugs to the gray-headed people. It equals more loot and they never think you’re bad anyway.
Try to mimic your mommy or your daddy in something. For some reason when people say “that is just like you” they get real happy.
Read their parenting books and act completely opposite to what it says. We have to keep them on their toes. It also keeps the pediatricians like my daddy busy and with Christmas coming I have some kisses and some impersonations coming that are going to require Daddy cough up some dough for some loot.

November 18, 2012

I am a criminal. The notorious James Gang has long sullied the James’ family name. The James Gang was a gang of vicious liars, killers and thieves. Today I became a thief. If I tried to cast blame on my mother’s family in a court of law it wouldn’t work because the Robersons don’t have history against their name. The story begins with my parents taking me shopping to Target. We went through the holiday section and the Christmas decorations were amazing. There was so much I needed to see and touch. Mommy gave me a little bell ornament to hold so I didn’t try to touch it all. I held onto it very tight as we did our shopping. We bought some toys from the Toys For Tots and a few odds and ends and checked out. When we were unloading at the car Mommy realized I still had the bell ornament and we had not paid for it. Daddy took the bell back into the store to return it. Evidently that doesn’t happen much because the lady was surprised and thanked Daddy. If she had known we were James’ she would have been even more shocked. I went home and took a nap and woke up with goo in my eye. Daddy says it’s pinkeye but I know it is punishment for coveting something that wasn’t mine. I have learned my lesson…I have to get sneakier.