New Parents Survival Guide: (months 18-24)

Congratulations you have made it to the last age cycle of this book. Go ahead and give yourself a little pat on the back, you deserve it and let’s face it no one else is going to do it for you. You are now the parent of a full-blown toddler and master creator of destruction. If you could just harvest their energy you could power a small city. If you could harness their destructiveness you could conquer a country. If you could just learn the secret to controlling them you would be wealthy beyond measure. The problem is you will not be able to do any of those things, so after you get done with the back patting reach down and pull up your bootstraps because you are going to have a very busy and interesting six months.

Eating:

If anybody gives you an absolute rule about what and how much your child should and will be eating, they probably needed to be evaluated for a mental condition, are on drugs, might be an idiot, or a combination of all the above. My best advice is to give them a good variety of things to eat and they will eat what they need. I have never seen one of them voluntarily starve to death. You will have days you think they will starve to death and then you will have days you just cannot seem to shovel in enough food. Remain calm…Remain calm…Remain calm. If you find you cannot remain calm then of course ask your pediatrician and they will tell you to remain calm.

Peeing:

Some parents will be hated during this period. This is because their baby becomes potty trained and they no longer are changing all those diapers and literally throwing a fortune into the garbage or putting endless cycles of cloth diapers into a washing machine. Other parents will be left doing the same and wishing they were in the lucky group. Are there any tricks to make the non-potty trained turn into the potty trained? No, would be the easy answer, but it would not be completely accurate. It is good to know some statistics…the average age for a girl to become potty trained is two-years-old; the average age for a boy is about three. Until your baby is developmentally ready to potty train you are probably wasting both your time and energy. I recommend waiting until your little one shows an interest in potty training by either trying to sit on the toilet, pulling at their diaper to get it off or telling you they are going or have just gone. Peeing in the potty will usually come quite a bit sooner than pooping in the potty (I personally would have liked it to happen the other way around). Try to use only positive reinforcement when they start wanting to go to the potty. Never force them to sit on the toilet and make them cry or they will see sitting on the toilet as being some kind of punishment. Cheer and yell and maybe even bribe them when they do have success on the toilet. When they get interested, the real key is to take them to the bathroom often to ensure more successes than failures. Just remember it is really too early for most and if your child is showing an interest you are well ahead of most of the pack.

Pooping:

I do not know about you but by this time I am really over poop. I just want it to be over already. For almost all of you, the poop will continue through this entire six months with no real changes. Some little ones will start to have better control of their stooling and will occasionally be able to withhold their stool and cause themselves to get constipated. Usually you can take care of this by increasing their juices or fruit but if they persist make sure to contact your pediatrician. You don’t want your child having constipation issues so close to the time of potty training. We do not want them to be afraid of stooling.

Sleeping:

This is the moment when I will be having an “I told you so” moment with some of you. That would be the moment when your toddler is still sleeping with you very restlessly and kicking the tar out of you each and every night. You are not sleeping very well and you might be a little grumpy at work every morning. This is when it hits you that if you had done what I told you, and your pediatrician had told you, your child would be sleeping in another room in their own bed and you would be too. If you still have not got them in their own bed your time is running out. Get them in there now! There will be crying, begging, screaming, possibly even some fit throwing and self-induced vomiting, but if you do not get it done now you are going to have a bunkmate for several more years.

Your kiddo may still like to take naps and you should willingly let them. Some of you will sadly find out your child will not take naps anymore and I feel very sorry for you. As parents we need nap time about as much as the little ones do.

Hate:

You will hate going to the doctor’s office. Let’s face it; you have had to call them so often you are sure they think you are crazy. They have taken a small fortune from you in co-pays. When you go to the doctor they often tell you your baby is fine or just has some virus that will go away on its own. The doctor does not know any new jokes and now every time you get to the office your precious child screams the entire time you are there. You start wondering if going to the dentist and getting a root canal would be a better experience. We know these things are all true and we can accept this feeling it will pass. When they get between two and three the little ones just love us and it will be all worth it. You have had the chance to hate everyone else so now it’s our turn.

Safety:

In this period you need to note everything previously mentioned in this book and more of it. The main way they are going to get hurt is falling and choking. Combine that with the fact they will try to poison themselves, run away from home, and try to drown and you will have yourself the making of an exciting reality show. Always think in the back of your head that your child is on suicide watch and you need to be watching them at all times. It is their job to try and kill themselves and your job to prevent it. We are all cheering for your side, but you are the underdog…good luck.

Tricks:

This may be a good time to learn a really cool magic trick in the hopes your little monster will get the idea you have some kind of mystical magical powers to detect evil. I would not rule out the idea of pulling in a witchdoctor or a priest for the exorcism. In all seriousness we do see an increase in drowning from 18 months to two-and-a-half-year-olds. They can drown in very shallow water since their head is oversized and they can get easily turned upside down and unable to get out. This means you need to worry about pools, bathtubs, toilets and any other sources of water. This is also an age where they get inquisitive about things and want to explore. We see many children simply open the front door and leave the house. You may want to install an alarm system to keep Junior in or some latches really high up on the door. Good luck keeping track of the little escape artists.

Panic:

If you do not hear them you should panic. If you hear them too loudly you should panic. If they sound muffled you should panic. If you do not see them you should panic. If you do not see them move you should panic. If they are moving too slow you should panic. If they are moving too fast you should panic. If it were legal to v-chip your kid this would be a good time to have it done (the other time would be when they get a drivers license). The freedom of walking is a terrible thing to give these little guys. I guess the main thing to take from this section is to keep up your anxiety medication—if you get low you should panic.

Checkup:

There are usually no shots at this checkup unless you have some- how gotten behind. Depending on the area you live in or the type of insurance you have, you could have a blood test at this visit. You are going to want to talk with your doctor about different ways to discipline your hellion, but remember what I said earlier; there are no proper or correct ways to make them behave. This visit is mostly about development with the most attention being paid to language development. You child should be walking, running, climbing and talking by now; if they are not you will need to discuss these further with your pediatrician.

Kaden’s Logs

February 19, 2013

I am 18-months-old today. I’m not sure what that gets me other than a new appointment with the doctor and a shot but I am here. It seems the older I get and the more stuff I can do the more rules keep popping up telling me that I can’t do anything. It looks like by the time I get to Daddy’s age I won’t be able to do anything at all. No wonder kids become terrible by two. It isn’t temper tantrums it’s a revolt. It has been unsuccessful through the years because of a lack of organization. It is up to me to organize my fellow toddlers and win back our freedom. We say no to restrictive rules and vegetables and clothes. Power to the little people.

March 25, 2013

My daddy gets lots of questions at work from parents about their babies. I have decided to take some time out of my schedule to help my daddy answer these questions.

Why is it so hard to break them from the bottle? How upset would you be if we sewed your mouth closed and you couldn’t eat anymore? You would be pretty upset. You are taking away the way we have eaten since we were born and you wonder why we don’t handle it well.
Why is it so hard to take a pacifier away from a baby? Ever try to quit smoking, drinking caffeine or any other habit you have that is bad for you? We are addicted to the sweet feel of a pull on that pacifier. It calms us down and it makes us happy. When you take it away, it makes us uncalm and very unhappy.
He loved green beans every day and now he hates green beans, why? We always hated green beans. We ate them because we were hungry and that was all that was available. Finally one day we learned there were other choices and since we can’t talk we just start throwing them at you or spitting them at you until you get the idea we want something else.
Why don’t they sleep through the night? Why should we? We don’t have jobs. If I get tired I take a nap, I have nowhere I need to go tomorrow and I have no big plans… If I’m up I need some company to play with.
Why does their poop change colors? Who cares? Why are you paying so much attention to my poop? The only thing you need to pay attention to is making sure you get it off fast and quick. If you want to spend some time contemplating colors take up art.

April 27, 2013
My tips on potty training.

Don’t leave pull-ups on very long because they do not hold much pee. Take me to pee often or bring extra clothes.
Onesies were not intended for potty trainers. That tail gets in the way if you know what I mean.
If a celebratory dance is warranted, make sure there is some variety and be prepared to always dance no matter where we are peeing.
That crack between the seat and toilet was not well thought out. If sit- ting or standing close by think fast and be quick on your feet.
Wipes are still a good idea to have on hand even if I got everything going in the right direction.
I like to see all the bathrooms so plan enough time to visit all of them.
Could we make public bathrooms cleaner? These are just gross. Are we animals?
Could the hand drier be a little quieter? Jet engines make less noise.
Can those auto flushers suck my butt down the toilet? I would like that in writing.
Toilets could be a little shorter. I’m just saying.

July 18, 2013

My mommy has been worried about me not eating. Daddy tells her that at my age we tend to live on air and I am doing fine. Mommy is sure I’m going to starve to death. Daddy proves that I gained weight every once in awhile. I eat well every once in a while just to make her feel better. What I don’t tell her is I have a secret stash of hidden goodies under every piece of furniture in the house and I actually eat quite well. If they thought about it they would figure out I eat the best right after they clean the house and get rid of my stashes. I love driving those parents of mine crazy. Gotta go, they cleaned the house today and I need to start hiding some goodies for the week.

August 19, 2013

Happy birthday to me! I am now two-years-old. I have somehow survived all my daredevil stunts. I have survived my two big brothers and my mommy and daddy. In spite of not eating like my mommy would like, I have gone from a six pound six oz baby to the monster of a man I am today. I am learning this funny Earth lan- guage called English and will probably pick up a little southern twang along the way. I love to laugh and play. I’m stubborn and hardheaded and sometimes I have wicked temper. I have become Kaden. I am my own unique person in spite of genetics and nurturing. Today I sign off my log and Daddy’s interpretation of my life and times. I now make my own memories that will be the way I truly see them on my own. They won’t always be as clear as something written down and they won’t always fit into a nice top 10 list but they will truly be mine. I hope Daddy still keeps track of my big moments for me with some brief facts on the specifics, dates and pictures, but the color commentary of my life is now my own. I have words and a voice and trust me, I shall be heard. I am two, I am Kaden and these have been my logs.