New Parents Survival Guide: What happened to the still little quiet baby? (months 4-6)

Your baby is now four months old and it is time we talked turkey. It looks like the little rug-rat is going to be here to stay for a while (it is already starting to feel like forever) so we need to talk about you for a while. You have been locked away in the cave you used to call a house that now has the distinct smell of puke and vomit (you remember the smell from college don’t you…of course you don’t…college was good enough to erase your memories whereas parenthood does not grant the pleasure of memory loss). Mom your roots are showing, you have forgotten how to put your make-up on, and you are not pregnant any more so it is time to lose some bonbons. Dad you were not even pregnant and you look like you are about to deliver, the oil in the car needs to be changed, the yard is a mess, and let’s not even talk about your golf game. It is time for the two of you to get some serious you time. Parenthood is not a life sentence for doing something bad, it should be a celebration of what the two of you had before the baby was born (the real reason you had a baby). None of the things you loved to do before the baby have to be given up (unless you were an alcoholic crackhead), they just have to be worked around. Find a trusted relative, a close friend, a slightly less dirty looking homeless person (I’m kidding about the trusted relative thing, none of them can be trusted) to leave your little bundle of joy with and go out at night together or with friends. Remember what it is like to be alive so you can be the best parent you can be. Hermits are not notoriously happy people.

Your little person is four months old now and it is time to get busy. Well, at least it is time for them to get busy and start moving around and thus causing you more trouble, or at least make you watch them a little closer. Many things change these next two months so hang on for a wild ride. Do not forget to take tons of pictures and write some things down in those baby books. (I just sort of throw things in a couple of drawers in the hopes some little elf will show up some day and magically put it in a wonderful book Dalton will be proud of).

Eating:

Eating sort of starts to become eating, however their food is not anything I would want to eat—although the applesauce is not bad. Babies are still going to drink the majority of their calories as milk and you do not actively need to do anything to change the amount they are drinking. As babies start filling up on baby food they will naturally start drinking less milk. Some babies will start eating baby food now. There are a couple of reasons to hold off on introducing solid foods such as a strong family history of allergies, asthma, or eczema. Studies have shown for these babies it can be better to wait until they are six months of age to start baby foods. If your baby has already had allergy problems with milk, your pediatrician may also recommend you wait until the baby is older. I discussed in Chapter 5 the intricacies of feeding the little monster, but I will quickly go over how I introduce solid foods again. I start off with rice cereal with a spoon until they get good at eating. I then recommend you go to green vegetables, then yellow and orange vegetables and finally fruits last. I recommend you do each individual kind of food for 3-5 days before moving on to the next type to make sure they do not have any allergic reactions. Your pediatrician will most likely go over their way of introducing foods, but if not please feel free to defer to mine.

Just a warning that feeding your baby is not quite as fun as you think it is going to be. It is an exercise in patience I never really wanted to receive. You get to stick the same bit of food into their little mouth over and over repeatedly. They end up with food on everything which makes the laundry harder to get clean. It takes forever for them to eat which means there is even less time for you to eat. (Hey maybe this really is the time to start losing some weight?) You start off feeding them once a day and will work toward getting them to three times a day by the time they are 6-9 months old. It is not time to give them your food yet, so keep your eyes peeled for grandparents sneaking them stuff like peanut-butter, ice cream, sodas and anything else they think the baby might like (grandparents are evil). Perhaps the best tip I can give you is DON’T TASTE THEIR FOOD! It is disgusting and if you taste it you will feel guilty feeding it to them. It has all the stuff they need and none of the stuff they do not (evidently it is the stuff they don’t need that makes food taste good, like sugar, fat, salt and pepper).

Peeing:

They still like to pee a lot, but as they start drinking less milk they may start to have fewer wet diapers per day. You will also notice some of the foods they eat will change the color and smell of their urine. If you want to see an example of how this works, eat some asparagus and be prepared for some funky smelling pee of your own.

Pooping:

You thought the dirty diapers were bad before now. Sure there were tons of them, but now we are adding food to the mix we are going to be blessed with some serious stench. Your baby will be able to clear large rooms with a single stool. There is a good chance your smoke alarms will go off when the little tyke does a number two (that’s a joke as I don’t think it can happen, but let me know if it can). It is possible your baby may become constipated while starting baby foods. Constipation does not mean they cannot tolerate solid foods, it just means with a slower transit time through the intestinal tract they have absorbed too much water. If your baby is straining and cannot seem to get the stool out or is passing hard balls and having pain with stooling, call your pediatrician. We have tricks to help you out. I recommend calling your doctor before taking the advice from your friendly baby posse since they can come up with some seriously strange ways to loosen up poop…some of them dangerous to a small baby.

Sleeping:

If your baby is sleeping through the night, hooray for you. Enjoy the sleep, talk to your mate or even mate with your mate, it used to be quite fun after all (well it was if you were doing it right). If your baby is not sleeping through the night it is probably your fault (you did not expect me to take responsibility did you?) You probably have not moved them out of your room or worse yet you have moved them in bed with you. Babies typically will not sleep through the night till they are in their own room and even if they do not sleep through the night you will sleep better when they are not there. Do not sleep with your baby! It is dangerous and it is not restful for either one of you (not to mention your spouse). I have lost two babies in the last 10 years for the simple reason they were sleeping with their moms and their moms smothered them as they rolled over them. Do not make this mistake; put them in their own bed. Remember also that I told you to make sure they slept on their back or side. Still put them to sleep that way, but do not be surprised if they are on their belly when you wake up. They are getting where they can roll over now. Do not freak out. If they can roll from their back to their belly they can roll the other way too. You should not have any pillows or heavy blankets in the bed with them and if they are rolling over it is time to take out the cute little bumper pads.

Hate: The cute little baby routine has lost its shine. Now it is time to hate some things about your little baby. You will hate those dirty diapers. You will hate all the stuff you have to pack each time you have to go out. Your dirty house is driving you crazy. Your friends have no idea how insane you are going. The grocery bill is ridiculous. Your boss is a jerk for not working with you on doctor visits. The daycare will not open early enough or stay open late enough. Your family only wants to help when it is convenient for them. Your spouse is just not doing their share of the work (oh and by the way both spouses think the same thing). Your car is just wrong for a family. Your house is too small or too big, or too old, or something that makes it terribly wrong. You really need a vacation or a time out.

Safety: Those little boogers will not stay still for anything now and you have to watch them like a hawk to keep them from killing him or herself. What’s more they seem to be laughing at you all the time while trying to seriously maim themselves. They roll with abandon and try to fall off of furniture. They have a terrible sense of direction and will run into things while rolling around. If they find small objects while rolling they will instantly try to put them into their mouths and try to choke themselves to death. So yes, it is time for the baby proofing to begin.

Baby proofing items are things you can spend and waste tons of money and time on. Let’s talk about what you absolutely need to buy. You need to buy covers for all your electrical outlets. These are little plastic plug-ins that insert into all your outlets otherwise babies will stick their fingers, tongues and anything else they can into these little crevices. I have had them stick silverware into the outlets and give themselves bad shocks and burns. The other thing you need to buy is a gate or block of some kind if you have any stairs in your house. Do not buy anything else; it is a waste of money (until you see you are going to absolutely need something to thwart the special powers of your little demon). You need to make sure there is nothing in any of the lower cabinets you would prefer your baby not to touch. This includes all cleaning materials or hazardous chemicals, knives, tools or medicines. Make sure there is no access to firearms (kids should not be packing heat until they are at least three and this book only goes to two—to the American Academy of Pediatrics I’m just kidding about the three-year-old thing so don’t take away my board certification). Make sure there are not any speaker wires or cords your little angel can chew on (makes for a nasty burn), pull on (and thereby pull something off on themselves) or get tangled up in. This all sounds like suicide precautions so maybe we are really doing this for the parents as you may be having some harmful thoughts yourself. When they reach the age where they can pull up to things, you need to make sure they don’t drown by falling into mop buckets (no I’m not kidding as I once had a little boy who drowned in a mop bucket), tubs, toilets and outdoor ponds and pools.

Tricks: They have so many tricks by now they could open their own magic show. They have the smiling and laughing down to a fine art and use it to try to get out of the trouble they are causing. They can usually roll over which is going to have you jumping through hoops to try to keep them safe. They will make more noises; most of them vowel sounds of baby talk fame. They can make toxic fumes come out of their back side (I’m not sure if that counts as a trick or a superpower). They should all be able to sit with support by the time they are six months old (if you cram them into the corner of the couch they will sit there for a while). Some of them will be able to sit up by themselves. A few of the truly evil little babies will start crawling and get into everything.

Panic: Read the section above about the tricks they can do and panic about all the ways those things can go wrong. The scariest thing at this age is the smell of poop and you might as well get the freak out over about the fact it seems like you have only had the equivalent of one night’s sleep in six months and you do not have a penny saved for college. Your parents did not have any money saved by now either (well most of them didn’t) and you turned out OK right? (Maybe you are right to PANIC!!!)

Checkup:

Time sure flies by when you are having fun does it not? It is time for the baby’s six-month checkup already. Guess what…more shots…YEAH!!! The good news is this will be the last shots for a while, unless you got behind, and they don’t need anymore until they are one- year-old. All the shots they get at this visit are shots they have gotten before so if you have not had reactions before it is doubtful you will see any this time. If they have reacted previously there is a chance it will happen again this time.

Make sure you take a list of questions with you to the doctor’s visit. Most parents ask fewer questions at this checkup and most are along the lines of, “when are they going to…” and the answer is usually “not for a while”. This is the visit where all parents seem to be in a hurry for them to grow up already. Enjoy the stages they go through. You do not get to go back and do them again. You may also hear this said at this stage; “everybody is in a hurry for them to walk and talk so they can tell them to sit down and shut-up.”

This visit is pretty much done on autopilot. The same things you have done at the last two checkups happen today. There will be nothing new unless you have some issues you need to talk about and resolve. Relax; you are now an expert at these child checkups…until the next one, which is different.

Kaden’s logs

December 15, 2011

Today was not my favorite day. Today was my four-month check-up. I weighed 15 lbs. 6 oz. at the 65 percentile. I was 25.5 inches long at the 76 percentile. My noggin is 42 cm at the 47 percentile. My daddy says not to fret about my head being smaller as Albert Einstein’s brain was smaller than Marylyn Monroe’s. (I hope brain size doesn’t correspond to looks because Albert wasn’t that hot). I have grown six inches since my birth and gained nine pounds (I am a whopper). Enough of the updates, it is time for me to start doing some complaining. The doctor and staff were great and they all thought I was amazing, gifted, incredibly handsome (they said I looked like my daddy), and perfect in every way (they are such smart people). Then they had to ruin everything by giving me shots. Now at my daddy’s office they give a different combo shot than at my new doctor’s office. Because of this different shot I had to get poked three times whereas at Daddy’s I only would have gotten two pokes. My daddy’s patients are treated better than me. Daddy doesn’t see very many side effects from his vaccine (which is why he uses it), but the new doctor said that they see lots of reactions at four and six months of age (sure makes me excited for my next visit). Daddy tells his patients’ parents that about 14 percent might have a little fussiness, sleep a little more, eat a little less, have a low-grade fever and once in awhile get a knot on their leg. Well at Daddy’s office I got nothing. MaryAnn gave me my shots and I fussed a bit and then I was fine and dandy. Today… well let’s just say I was in the 14 percent. I screamed bloody murder for four hours. I refused to eat (hard to do when you are screaming). I slept more after I quit screaming (hard to tell if it was from the vaccine or I just tired myself out). I’m not sure if I had a fever because Mommy was too busy trying to get me to quit screaming to take my temperature. I got knots in both legs which hurt making me scream even more, eat even less, interrupted my sleep and gave Mommy even less time to take my temperature. I will just go out on a limb and let you know I don’t like this new shot.

January 4, 2012

I have little bumps all over my tongue. I had never noticed them until today. I sup- pose they have always been there, but today I realized they were there. I was sitting in my highchair, as I tend to do around here about twice a day. During the first sit- ting I eat my cereal. It was good but more or less the same as I ate yesterday and the day before. It was the second time I was sitting in my highchair that I discovered those little bumps on my tongue. My mommy had opened up my food and stuck my little spoon in to give me a little taste of something new. Orange colored goo entered my mouth and my tongue started talking to me. It started screaming in an odd language I had never heard before. Flashing lights started going off in my head. My tongue grew about 12 inches and started slapping my forehead. All of a sudden I realized there were little bumps all over my tongue and they were dancing. Oh they danced a jig, they waltzed, and they tangoed. My mommy put another bite into my mouth and that old tongue of mine started having a seizure. Those bumps started jitterbugging and break dancing. They were going every direction possible and hav- ing such a fine time doing it. The bites weren’t coming fast enough; I screamed, my tongue screamed, my taste buds tried to scream around the dancing. I was like a heroin addict, I had to have more. It couldn’t get there fast enough. The feeding ended and I know that my tongue, my taste buds and I will never be the same. I am now hooked on sweet potatoes. I am currently searching the couch cushions for loose change, as I have to get more. I need more. If anybody knows a good dealer for sweet potatoes let me know. I will need him to make some drop offs to the James’ house. I hope he will take a penny as payment as that is all I have found so far.

February 1, 2012

It’s the start of a new month in my first year of life and I think I should use this opportunity to impart some wisdom to the masses. Here are some of the things I have learned to do to torture the old parents.

1. Try to hold your pee in until you feel cold air on your nether region. This allows you to shoot for distance and gives you a good chance of hitting a moving target. If you succeed you are guaranteed to make your parents scream. On the right day with the right clothes there may even be cry- ing.
2. Try to wake up 15 to 30 minutes before the alarm clock goes off. If you do wake up during the night try to stay up as long as possible and try to get the parents to play. Make sure your face looks as cute as possible so they feel guilty about not playing with you at 3 a.m.
3. Work on distance spitting. This makes for a great game when you play with your pacifier, but is even funnier with a mouth full of carrots. I prefer it with carrots because of the bright orange spots help mark your distances.
4. When your daddy lifts you over his head to play, let loose a drool drop at the right angle to hit him in the eye or mouth. If it lands in the mouth he will give the funniest reaction.
5. The best time to spit up or pee on an outfit of clothes is right after they have just put it on you.
6. The best time to have a growth spurt is right after Mommy has just bought you new clothes.
7. Try to make several grunting sounds that wishful parents thinks are awful close to a “d” or “m” and watch the parents go crazy.
8. Hold off the hunger pains until the parents are about half way to the appointment they are already late for and then have a melt down.
9. Snuggle up with your parents and go to sleep in just the right position so they can’t move without waking you up but where their limb will become tired and start to cramp up.
10. Always act happy and perfect around all of your mommy and daddy’s friends so no one will believe them when you tell them about how bad the baby has been and how they torture the parents.