New Parents Survival Guide: Oh my God, what have we done? (the first few days home)

Well, you are now home and you are ready to relax after the craziness of the hospital, delivery, all the visitors, and not sleeping in your own bed. You think getting home is comparable to the best vacation in the whole world…then you realize you had to bring the baby home with you and your home will never be the same again. The world of parenthood was kind of delayed by being in the hospital with nurses to help, visitors to help, and a nursery was at least an option to use. Now it is just the two of you and a BABY (cue eerie music).

Do not freak out, (everyone freaks out) everything will be fine (it is never fine). There are going to be a couple of changes your baby is going to go through these first few days you are totally unprepared for, thus this chapter. We will just try to go through things systematically.

Eating: The baby is starting to eat more and you are not sure how much it should eat. It should eat every two and a half to three hours and will take anywhere from one and a half ounces to three ounces each time. Breastfed babies will eat 15-20 minutes on each side. Babies do not always know when they are full and will sometimes eat until they spit up. If you have increased the amount you are feeding them and they start spitting up they are just too full. Yes, it is OK if the spit-up comes out their nose. If their mouth is closed it is going to shoot out both nostrils. (Gross).

Breastfeeding: If you are wondering if your breast milk has come in yet, it has not. There is nothing subtle about breast milk coming in. You will feel like you have become a dairy and will be leaking milk every time the baby cries or it is close to feeding time. By now your nipples may be getting a little sore. You may even start to see a little cracking and some bleeding. This is when you need to be strong and the painful part will pass in the next week. Make sure you are using the good positioning the lactation consultants taught you in hospital. Make sure you are breaking suction when taking the baby off the breast. Rub a little expressed breast milk on your nipples after the baby is done and it will help heal any rawness happening. Watch for excessive redness, excessive pain or sudden swelling of your breast as this can indicate an infection known as mastitis. If you have any of these get a hold of your obstetrician as soon as possible.

Pooping: The baby has gotten through the black, tarry meconium and is now passing yellowish-green, loose stools and may be pooping every time they eat. It is completely normal for them to have from zero to 12 stools per day. If by this stage your baby has not had a dirty diaper in three days you should call your pediatrician. If they are having over 12 stools per day or passing hard balls you should also give them a call. Make sure you try to change the baby as soon as possible when they fill their drawers or they will develop a nasty diaper rash.

Peeing: Your baby should have at least four wet diapers in 24 hours. This may be hard to tell with all the poop. This is most important to watch in breastfed babies who are at risk of getting dehydrated while waiting for Mom’s breast milk to come in. Their urine can range from clear to yellow to dark greenish-yellow depending on the baby’s fluid intake. Sometimes in the first couple of days you may see some orange colored urine on the diaper. These are urate crystals and are caused from getting a little dehydrated and should go away once the baby is eating better and peeing more.

Skin: Your baby may develop a diaper rash from their bazillion poopy diapers. This is usually just skin irritation and you just need to put diaper rash cream on in a thick layer and change those diapers when they are dirty. A very common newborn rash shows up now, it is red blotches moving all over and sometimes they have little yellow centers. This is called erythema toxicum and can last the first couple of weeks of life. There is nothing you did to cause this and nothing to make it go away. It is very common for a baby’s skin to peel especially if they were born on time or late. The only problem ever happening with this is sometimes they peel so deeply you may see a little bleeding at their wrists and ankles. It is fine to use baby lotion to help moisten up their skin.

Noises: That really loud annoying sound they make is called a cry and it happens for all kinds of reasons. The most common reasons are because the baby is hungry, wet, dirty, sleepy, has a bellyache because it did not get burped well enough, wants to be held, does not want to be held, or is just ticked off at the world because you took it out of its warm cuddly belly and are now exposing it to the cold, harsh world. Try to remain calm while assessing your baby’s cries. They can pick up on your stress and it just makes them worse. Go through the list of reasons above and you will figure out which one is causing the problem. You will figure the crying out after a few days, because it will start to follow a pattern.

You have finally got ready for bed and the baby is asleep, but now it is making this terrible congested snoring sound. You are scared to death and are sure they are having problems breathing and will stop breathing and die if you do not hover over them and watch them all night long (this is freaking out by the way). This sound is caused by the fact your house is probably dry from central heat and air and it dries out the mucous inside their noses. This makes this snorty sound as they breathe in and out. It is completely normal and it does not bother them at all, it just scares you.

You just calmed yourself down about the snorty sound from above and are just about to fall asleep when you notice they are taking these five-second pauses in their breathing and then they take a few very rapid breaths. Now you know you cannot sleep and you must dedicate your lives to a revolving sleeping plan to watch the baby sleep (again freaking out). This is called periodic breathing of the newborn and is completely normal and I swear is just there to see if you are paying attention to your baby. The pauses will last about five seconds or so and then they will take three or four rapid breaths. Now if the pause lasts longer than 15 seconds you need to talk to your doctor and if it lasts longer than 20 seconds this is apnea and you need to get to the emergency department as soon as possible.

You have somehow survived the night but now your baby is hiccupping and is not very happy about it. This is also very normal and chances are they had hiccups before they were even born. A greedy baby swallowing too hard usually causes hiccups or she has had some reflux part of the way up her esophagus. Do not worry as it will go away and the baby will eventually get better at swallowing and it will not happen nearly as often.

Movements: You notice just as they are going to sleep their arms and legs jump, or it may happen when they are scared by a sudden noise or movement. You may even notice if you tap their foot their foot starts jerking a couple of times. You start to wonder if this is this a seizure? (Freak out time). It is completely normal and is called myoclonus. This is not normal in older people and can be a sign of neurological problems, but it is just caused by an immature nervous system in a baby and will go away as they get bigger.

Umbilical cord: The umbilical cord looked so easy to take care of in the hospital. Now it is all hard and shriveled and hard to clean around. How a cord gets cared for is going to vary from doctor to doctor. The base of the cord will get kind of gooey as it gets closer to falling off and this is when I recommend applying some rubbing alcohol to help it dry up. If you see any redness around the umbilical cord or if it has a foul smell, you need to talk to your pediatrician.

Sleep: They are sleeping a lot right now and some parents will think they are sleeping too much. The problem seems to be they just do not sleep when we want to be sleeping. It is not unusual for them to sleep about half of the day if you added all the time up. ALWAYS HAVE THEM SLEEP ON THEIR BACKS OR SIDES!!! It has been proven since we started having babies sleep this way the amount of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome or crib death) has decreased by over half. This is one area you definitely want to ignore your parents, and grandparents’ advice. When they tell you babies slept better on their belly, ask them how many families they knew who lost a baby to crib death. Their answer should end the discussion.

Temperature: I get several questions from parents about what temperature the house should be for the baby. I am sure this is just a husband and wife dispute over where the thermostat should be set and they want a doctor to tell the other parent their temperature is the correct one. Since I am a guy, I usually tell them the correct temperature is whatever Dad is comfortable at since Mom is hormonal (I just made that up so the guys get to win one argument in this whole parenting game.) There is not a correct temperature to keep the house. We do know babies have a harder time maintaining their body temperature than larger children or adults do. Because of this, they usually need one more layer than an adult does—this can be an extra layer of clothes or a blanket. If a baby gets cold you will notice their hands and feet turn a purple color. The purple color is because the blood flow is decreasing to their hands in order to prevent heat loss through their skin.

Senses: You have figured out they can taste, because they like to eat. They have a good sense of smell; because they can smell Mom enter the room if she is breastfeeding. They can hear and you will know this by them jumping when they hear noises. They can see, but not very far. Here in the beginning they can only see about 12 inches or so. They do like to look at faces, so get real close. They have developed a sense of touch and love being touched, so feel your baby. Touch their smooth skin, check out all their lit- tle parts, feel their silky hair. These are the ways you play and love a newborn.

Tricks: Sure other people may call these reflexes, but your baby can do some really cool tricks already. They have a grasp reflex which allows them to hold your finger if you put it in their hand (the same reflex makes them curl their toes if you touch their foot). They have a startle reflex making them jump when they hear a noise. They have a Moro reflex so if you stroke their cheek they will move their mouth toward your finger. My favorite trick is making them “dance”. If you run your finger up the side of their back their bottom will curl up toward the stroked side making them “boogie”.

Safety: The things you need to do to keep your baby safe are simple and will be the same for quite awhile. Make sure they are in the car seat facing backwards. Make sure your smoke detectors are working. Make sure everyone is washing his or her hands before holding your baby. Do not smoke or let anyone smoke around your baby!

PANIC!!! There are things to panic about and if you see them you need to seek medical attention immediately. These include the following scenarios: Your baby has a fever with a temperature above 100.4 F (do not give anything to them to make the fever go down, just get to a doctor). Your baby starts forcefully vomiting (this can be a sign of an intestinal blockage, meningitis, or bacterial infection). You cannot wake your baby up, or they are very difficult to get to eat. Your baby is having a seizure and is shaking their arms and legs. You see any bleeding from anywhere and you do not know of any trauma (except for some seepage of blood around the umbilical cord). Any of these could be signs of serious infection and need to be addressed immediately.

Hate: No, you really do not hate your partner and neither of you have been nearly as bad as what you think they have been. You are sleep-deprived, stressed out, and in Mom’s case hormonally attacked. It may be time to call in the troops. This is when those pain in the neck mother in laws come in handy. Let them oooh and gooo over the baby for a few hours and get a little uninterrupted, guilt free sleep without worrying about every noise your little tadpole makes. They will be safe with Grandma for a little while…right…OK you are right sleep is not important.

Calm down: All the things you have read and heard do not always happen. All the things people said you had to do…you do not have to. Babies do not follow rules or books. No baby has ever blown up from not burping. They have never cried so hard their head blows up. They have never starved to death because you did not feed them every three hours on the dot. Remember the world of babies is not black and white, it is mostly gray. Go with the flow, and trust your instincts. If you are worried, call your doctor, the worst thing that could happen is they tell you everything is OK and at least it will calm you down.

Just a little anecdote of my own personal, “OMG what have I done?” moments. Dalton was born on New Year’s Eve and we got to take him home on January 2 and it was freezing cold. I had made one trip to the car to take stuff down and had come back to the room to get the last of the stuff. I gath- ered up everything and told them to take Tina and Dalton down to the front door and I would pick them up. When I got to the car to put the stuff in I realized I did not have any car keys. I looked in the car and there they were on the floor. I had dropped them while I was installing the car seat into the car. I found a phone and called security. It took them 30 minutes to get to the car and another 15 minutes to get the door unlocked. Did I happen to mention I had left my coat in the car so I would not have as much stuff to carry? By the time I got into the car I was completely frozen and by the time I got to the front door neither of my two passengers was very happy with me. Stuff can happen to anyone…even the people who do this for a living.

Kaden’s logs

August 21, 2011

It has been a busy 24 hours. I have learned several life lessons and have figured out things about my family. First my life lessons:

1. If I contract the muscles of my bladder with approximately 22lbs/in pressure while simultaneously releasing the constrictor muscles of my urethral meatus and aiming my penis at 12 degrees, I will pee in my own face. If I repeat the same experiment with an angle of 35 degrees I will pee in a nurse’s face. I will stick with the second set of vectors as I have found the result a lot funnier than the first.
2. I can poop a bunch. I took in about 24 ounces of fluid in the last 24 hours, give or take a wet burp or two, and I have managed to poop a mountain of dirty diapers. The approximate weight of said diapers is about 40 pounds. Given the fact I only weigh six lbs. six oz. I have man- aged to already disprove one of the basic physic staples that matter can- not be made or destroyed. Suck on that Sir Isaac Newton! Forgive me if I’ve referenced the wrong science nerd—I’m only two days old!
3. I have made my first medical diagnosis. I’m pretty sure my daddy has ADHD, but do not fear I have also figured out how to cure him. After sleep deprivation of about 34 hours he is completely cured. Unfortu- nately it seems to be short-lived since he got five to six hours of sleep and it returned.
4. I am cute, people let down their guard around cute people, and it is up to me to take over the world while I am still cute. People keep saying I look like my daddy. I have seen my daddy. I know I have a very short window to use my cute factor to my advantage.

Things I’ve observed:

1. My mommy is the prettiest cyborg on the planet. I know she is part human because she is soft and sweet. I know she is part machine because she has wires and tubes and makes beeping noises all the time.
2. My daddy’s eyes will cross at about the 34th hour of sleep deprivation point and Mommy’s do it about two hours later.
3. Everyone wants me to look like him or her. I would like to pick and choose my parts. Have you seen the feet on my daddy? Thank goodness mine came from Mommy!
4. I must have a pretty nice Mommy and Daddy because there have sure been a bunch of people checking on them.

August 23, 2011

My fourth day of life and I continue in my quest of self-awareness. I am pretty sure I am meant to be a super hero. I have all the makings of the classic hero: great looks…check, amazing physique…check, cool secret lair…check (my bedroom rocks and I’m pretty sure there are gators in my moat), and super powers…check. I’m still exploring all the options of my powers and have made a few discoveries about them.

First I have some mystical powers. I have already written about how I can violate the laws of physics with the sheer volume of poop I am capable of making. I have also learned I can teleport my pee. So far I have managed to get my pee to wet the entire bed and while keeping my diaper completely dry. That skill in itself was pretty amazing to me, but there is more. I can summon food with my mind. All I have to do is think that I am hungry and make a little squeak and food magically appears. Food must give me some strange power as well since after eating I can make a large noise that exits my mouth and can make my surroundings vibrate. I am sure I have other powers I have not yet discovered, but I will; after all I am only on my fourth day.

I do have some archenemies already. I do not like clothing, but I also do not like nakedness. There seem to be people who have learned this already and try and alternate me from one to the other, causing me great discomfort. I also have a weakness: if I am tightly wrapped in a blanket I will fall instantly asleep. I’m thinking with the proper costume I can combat the first weakness so I will stay constantly vigilant for people with blankets. I could use some help with just a couple of minor details in my quest for world domination via super herodom. I need a cool super-hero name and a cool costume. Feel free to send me any suggestions. With the costume please remember I have reddish brown hair that shouldn’t clash and I will need some extra room in the crotch section for my large diaper bulge. Well I am off to start protecting the house. Oh no! A blanket … ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

August 25, 2011

Today I had to go to my first doctor’s visit. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it could have been. My prostrate did not have to get checked and I didn’t have to get a colonoscopy done and there weren’t any shots. After that it went straight downhill. As soon as I went through the door they took my clothes off. If you have read my previous logs you will know this is not my favorite thing in life. They weighed me and I gained some weight (this is a good thing because whoever heard of a six pound superhero?) I was measured and I am a good distance away from two feet (maybe my superhero power will be to stretch otherwise I will be staring down villains at their ankles and I don’t even have any teeth to be an ankle biter). A doctor examined me and he told my parents I was perfect. I, on the other hand, would like to inform him that his hands were cold and his jokes could use some sharpening. Lots of ladies came into the room and said I was a good baby and looked like my daddy (sure hoping that goatee comes in fast). I will need to learn some jokes, do some magic tricks and develop a sparkling personality if I’m going to get anywhere with the ladies. It was a stressful day so when I got home I hit the bottle pretty hard and passed out.