New Parents Survival Guide: The longest month of your life (birth to one month of age)

Just to be honest with each other this is going to be a tough month. The only reason you will be able to get through this month and ever have another child is because the shock and sleep deprivation will cause you to forget most of it. This chapter cannot really give you great insight into how to make this better, but at least you will know you are not alone and the people saying they had a great first month are suffering from that shock thing or are just lying.

Peeing:

You will become an expert in changing diapers and clothes in this month. A baby is going to typically go through six to 12 diapers a day, many of these accompanied by a clothing change that include both you and the baby (especially when you’re changing a little boy with a fire hose). This is when you will find out little boys will get an erection when they have to pee (yes it is normal). You will also learn to duck and cover if you see a twitch of their penis (you will see what I mean when you get doused). It is a little twitch that happens right before they let loose a stream and gives you a chance to put the diaper over them and protect yourself and everything around you. You will find even with little girls that have no hose they can sure make quite a fountain. Unfortunately they do not give you any warning before showering everything. It is my theory that this first month they think we need practice changing diapers, because it seems like they always save some to pee on the new diaper just as we are putting it on.

Pooping:

They seem to have an endless supply of poop. They are eating more and their gastro-colic reflex (a reflex that makes them poop when their stomach is full) is in full swing. Poop will vary in color and consistency and should not worry you much except about how to pay for all the diapers and wipes you are going through. Call your pediatrician if you see poop which is red or black, or is coming out as hard balls. As we get close to a month old it is not unusual for the amount of dirty diapers to start slowing down, but they may get larger in amount per time. As this reflex goes away you will see your baby start to strain, cry, turn red and pass a lot of gas. This is not a problem with milk or with gas it is just normal. They will figure out how to poop in a couple of weeks and this will all pass. Do not change formulas and do not buy gas drops, you will just be wasting your money.

Some laws of physics seem to be violated by the amount of matter exiting a baby.

Eating:

They seem to eat all the time. If you are breastfeeding you will feel like you are connected to a baby all the time. The reason you feel that way is because you are attached to your baby all the time. If you are bottle feeding you may have less time feeding, but you will find you are getting to know your dishwasher too well because there are always bottles to be washed. Your baby only needs milk to eat. Do not give them any solid foods no matter what your friends and family tell you. It will not cause them to sleep longer and it can cause constipation. Adding solid food to a baby’s diet has been found to increase their chances of developing food allergies, eczema and asthma. It can also lead to babies with bellyaches and fussiness (something you do not need any more of).

Hate #1:

Your relationships will become a little strained; you may even hate each other a little. Mom is tired and hormonal. Dad is tired, feels a little lonely (after all he was the highlight of Mom’s life before JR. arrived) and a little stressed (guys do not handle crying women very well). You both may feel the other person should be doing more because it seems like you are doing so much. The reason it feels that way is because there is a lot more that needs to be done. This is usually the time you are going to have some good fights. Remember you are tired, hormonal and stressed out so be nice. Neither one of you will handle the little urchin well completely on your own, ask any single parent.

Hate #2:

Ignore your friends and family. This is the time where you learn where all the horror stories about in-laws come from. They will want to see you more that probably will just use some time you could have taken a nap, done dishes, shopped or done laundry. They will give you useless advice you either already figured out or is just wrong. Take every secret or tip they want to give you with a grain of salt. If it sounds stupid, it is. If it sounds too good to be true, it is. Use them when it benefits you but only if it benefits you. Do not let anyone guilt you into anything at this time, you are already doing the most important thing you can do…taking care of your baby.

This month your baby is the most vulnerable to illness. I recommend babies stay away from crowded places like stores, church and restaurants. Any place where there are more than a couple people (especially children), in a closed place you will be exposing your baby to illnesses. We worry about any temperature above 100.4 in a baby who is less than two months old. Most babies who develop a fever are put in the hospital and have what is called a septic workup with blood tests, a urine test and a test of their spinal fluid with IV antibiotics for 48 hours. The chances of your baby getting sick go down the more careful you are. Make sure everyone washes his or her hands before holding your baby. If someone is sick keep them away from your baby. Mild illnesses in adults can be life threatening in a newborn baby.

Sleep:

Sleeping is something you may think you are not getting enough of, but you have probably had some questions about your baby’s sleep. A baby will sleep anywhere between 12-18 hours a day. They pretty much wake up just to pee, poop, and eat. They have no schedule this first month and day and night mean nothing to them. It is important to wake your baby up to eat every three to four hours in the beginning until your baby starts gaining weight. When your baby starts gaining weight you just let them eat when they want to. Remember your baby should be sleeping on their back or side all the time.

Safety:

At each visit your pediatrician will tell you what things you need to do or be worried about to keep your baby safe. In the first month this will include having your baby sit in the car seat facing backwards in the back seat. The safest spot is the middle of the seat, but if some reason they cannot sit in the middle the next safest place is the passenger side. A baby can only sit in the front seat if you have no back seat and have disabled the passenger side’s airbag. Make sure all the smoke detectors in the house are working and have fresh batteries. Make sure the hot water heater in the house is turned down to economy or 120 degrees. This is still hot enough to get everything done but won’t scald your baby. This is most important before your baby becomes a toddler but you will not have time to do it then. Make sure you have a thermometer because any temperature above 100.4 is an emergency and your baby needs to be seen immediately by a doctor. Stay away from crowded places and make sure everyone is washing their hands.

Tricks: You will discover a few things your baby can do this month. If you are breastfeeding your baby can smell its mommy and find her in a crowded room. They will jump when they hear a loud noise. They can burp like a sailor and pass gas like a frat boy. I have had parents tell me their baby can say Mama or Dada (they were delusional from lack of sleep). Their best trick is how a crying, burping, poop factory can totally wear out two very healthy, energetic adults. They will start to look around more and start to have a little bit of a personality. They will be kicking and squirming a lot, which is always fun to watch.

Panic:

The things to panic about have not really changed from the first couple of days. Your baby has a fever with a temperature above 100.4 F (do not give anything to make the fever go down just get to a doctor). Your baby starts forcefully vomiting (this can be a sign of an intestinal blockage, meningitis, or bacterial infection). You cannot wake your baby up, or it’s very difficult to get them to eat. Your baby is having a seizure and is shaking their arms and legs.

For some of the common little problems that shows up this first month and their signs and symptoms see chapter 20. You may start to see consti- pation, colic, cradle cap, gastroesophageal reflux, milk intolerances, neona- tal congestion and of course the illnesses babies can get at any age. These are the things your pediatrician is here for…make them earn their money.

Checkup:

It is now time to go to the doctor for your baby’s month old checkup. Make a list of everything you want to ask your doctor. They are going to weigh and measure your baby and give you an idea how big they are compared to everybody else. They will ask what kind of milk they are drinking, how much and how often. They will ask how often they are peeing and pooping. They will go over safety stuff and things to look for. They will look your baby over from head to toe and point out anything they see that might be different or will need to be watched. The baby might get their Hepatitis B #2 shot at this visit depending on what type of vaccines they are using. Your doctor will then tell you what to expect in the next month…you will forget everything they told you…therefore the next chapter exists as a reminder of the things they told you about.

Kaden’s logs

August 31, 2011

Today I am 12 days old. My mommy and daddy took me to the office and I weigh 7 lbs. and I am 20 inches long. I’m not really bragging but I am really cut…ladies eat your heart out I only have love for my mommy. Today I am going to talk about something that every southern boy, and most of the girls, knows something about. We are going to talk about pit stops. I have my own personal pit crew called Mommy and Daddy. I am pretty sure Mommy is the pit chief. She controls the food source and is the director of the traffic. Daddy is more the flunky. When I decide it is time for a pit stop during the nighttime race here at the James’ speedway, I signal the crew by three grunts, a stretch and then a belier (southern talk for a loud scream). The pit chief then signals the flunky it’s time to transport me to the pit by a quick elbow to the lower ribs. Daddy then jumps out of bed like a lightening bolt. There are times I need the tires changed (diaper), sometimes the wiper fluid leaks (Daddy gets peed on or my clothes get wet) and I need some fresh paint (clothes), then I’m off to Mommy for a quick fuel up. It is at this juncture that my pit stop grinds to a stop. It seems to take about 30 minutes for a fuel-up. I can tell my pit crew would like this to be faster, but we evidently need more practice. We have heard rumors of pit stops that lasted as little as 15 minutes but it is not happening at this speedway. We have also heard of night races occurring without a single pit stop. I think my crew is hoping to get to that point. The pit crew is improving and I don’t think I’m going to fire anyone just yet. In another couple of months I think we will be able to compete with any other team out there.

September 2, 2011

I am two weeks old today. Man, my parents feel a lot older today. I have sure learned a bunch of stuff in my first two weeks. Here is a summation of my vast amount of knowledge:

Mommy and Daddy need at least five hours of sleep a day or their eyes look funny.
I hate poop! I will cry very loud if poop touches my bottom. If this hap- pens at night it may mean Mommy and Daddy get less than five hours of sleep.
Dieting is no big deal… If my Mommy can lose 25 pounds in 13 days, what’s my Daddy’s problem?
My Daddy says that I give the hiccups to myself because I’m a greedy baby. All I know is when I have the hiccups I’m a ticked off baby. I guess I am mad at myself.
As I eat more food I tend to poop more and it also takes me longer to eat. This leads to Mommy and Daddy getting less sleep.
If you are a boy you should not go see an OB/GYN. They will take out a sharp knife and try and turn you into a girl.
I am cute and people like to tell me so. My Mommy and Daddy spend hours staring at me and telling me I’m cute. If they would spend a lit- tle less time staring at me they might get some sleep.
I believe parents are happier if they have a date night. I let my parents have dates at night usually around 1:00 a.m. and 4:00 a.m. They always give each other a kiss and their eyes cross because they are so in love.
Babies bring families together. We have had lots of family come see us and we have even more coming in the next several weeks.
Diapers are a significant contributor to landfill and I am doing my bit.
My daddy thought diaper wipe warmers were a waste of money before I was born. My mommy did not believe him and bought one anyway. My daddy still thinks it is a waste of money.
Evidently if your parents don’t get enough sleep they will try to drown you. My parents have tried to drown me twice so far. Sure I smell good but I’m trying to avoid it in the future.
My daddy is a terrible carpenter. The word “crap” means, “I’ve drilled those holes in the wrong spot”.
Blinds.com is a great place to get blinds from when your daddy is a ter- rible carpenter since they will replace screw-ups.
My mommy has sexy feet and ankles when she loses 25 pounds.
When you get old you lose pieces and parts. I have lost my electric cord that plugged me into Mommy. I guess I am solar powered now. I am hoping the government sends me a Green Energy Grant.
No matter how hard I chew on my daddy he will not breastfeed.
My mommy is colorblind. She said my hair was brown, Daddy said it was red. Daddy was right. From now on Daddy should get to make all the color decisions around the house.
Shots suck…I’m just saying.
I have learned that even though I have only loved my family for two weeks it feels like I have loved them my whole life. (Did you get it?)

September 12, 2011

Today’s log is all about a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T so sock it to me now. Today was a little lesson in respect for my daddy to respect all my mommy does for me. Daddy is a little too full of himself about what a great Daddy and what a great husband he is to Mommy. Every once in a while he needs to be brought down a peg or two to show him how it is. Today just happened to be one of those days. Mommy had to take big brother Tyler to football practice. That left Daddy, big brother Dalton and I to fend for ourselves (well Daddy to fend for both of us). We got home at 6:00 p.m. and I decided to try and blow my main vein. I was starving because it had been a whole hour and a half since I had last eaten. Daddy somehow managed to get us in the house and shakily make me a bottle, which I promptly devoured. Daddy had plans to impress my mommy with his abilities to get some stuff done around the house like laundry and straightening up in general, you know the drill. After I had eaten my food I felt a full diaper was in order, so Daddy changed me. Then Dalton was hungry and needed food, but what to feed him? Well it took Daddy a little too long to contemplate that so I decided to pee all over my new diaper and my clothes. Daddy took me to my room and changed my diaper and clothes. I decided at that point it had been about an hour since I last ate and it was time to eat again. Daddy made another bottle and I ate it as well and then decided to poop. Daddy again changed my diaper. By this time my brother Dalton was starving so Daddy put me in my lamb seat and set me up on the counter while preparing a gourmet meal for him and Dalton. The peanut butter and jelly sand- wiches and Doritos were quickly wolfed down and Daddy decided to do some laun- dry. Daddy got the laundry out of the drier when I decided to eat again. It was my third bottle since 6 p.m. and it was only 8 p.m. Daddy got Dalton to help him feed me while he quickly folded some laundry. Mommy finally got home and saved my daddy, who, by this time, had lost at least 50 hairs off his head, developed indigestion and a nervous twitch. Daddy learned that Mommy is the MAN! and he can’t handle the HOUSE. Daddy is a better team player than a soloist. Mommy can do it all on her own. Mommy needs some RESPECT. I recommend Daddy say it with diamonds.